Wednesday, July 9, 2014
May 26th Email
I haven't received a note from you yet so I will just send one on my own. I was pretty bummed when I didn't see a note in my inbox from you...It's been a tough week and I was hoping you'd say something that would help. That's okay though. I know you're probably doing something really important!
So this week...It's kind of hard to explain how I have been feeling. It's kind of like I'm running in place but not like Emily Toia on a tread mill, not that accomplishing. It's kind of like I'm putting all my energy in the world to swim against the tide but the current keeps pulling me out. I don't know what analogy i'm looking for but it's been a tough week. I feel like I am working so hard but I'm seeing not much progress. I feel like I'm almost in a daze. I am trying to be obedient, but I feel like I keep slipping up. I am trying to talk to everyone and find new investigators but by the end of the day it just doesn't happen. I feel like I am trying so hard to keep my expectations on my mission high but I feel like I am slowly losing the drive.
I have so many feelings and I am not sure how to fix it. The middle of last week I realized I started to lower my expectations a lot. I would think of my future and how I was just going to settle for so many things. I wasn't going to give it my all, I wasn't going to reach all the potential I have in this life. For example, I think about school sometimes and how I want to double minor in Spanish and Mandarin. It sounds pretty tough right? It is! but could I do it? Absolutely. I would have to work my butt off a long with all my other classes, but I know that with the Lord's help I could do it and I think He would want me too. But lately I have been thinking, ahh there's no way that could happen. There's no way I could master 2 foreign languages. It really saddened me that I was giving up so soon.
I started to pray really hard and seek inspiration on what to do. A talk by Sister Linda S Reeves from the last General Conference really started to open my eyes. She talks all about having a Christ-Centered home. It helped me think about the type of home I want one day and the type of man I will need to marry to create such a home. It helped me set some higher expectations for myself. Also, I went on an exchange with another sister and I was really able to help her with some concerns she's having. It gave me more hope to keep going. The Lord is looking out for me and He is helping me develop certain skills and helping me use the strengths He's already given me. I am working very hard to trust the Lord. I know His expectations for me in this life are high! He knows I can accomplish so much and He doesn't want me to give up or think I am anything less than what He created me to be.
It makes me nervous I only have about 8 or so months left to be a missionary. I worry that I will hit a low point again when I get home and I'll end up making a life decision I will always regret. I'm not sure what to do, Dad. I am trying really hard and I know the Lord is throwing me little reminders of His love and He's encouraging me to keep going, but I hate that I've been feeling this way. I am really pushing myself to raise the bar. I hope you can ponder my letter and send one back for next week and give me some direction. Please tell the family to pray for me. It's been a rough transfer. Only a few more weeks left and I don't know what's going to happen.
I love you. I missed hearing from you today! I pray for you every night and know the Lord will bless you in finding a job. He' blessed me so much and I am just trying to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6
Love, Sister Emily Dahl